I have rewritten this post a million times in my head. A million. I am back to ground zero, square one, the begining, the bottom, however you want to look at it. I have gained back all but 13 pounds of what I lost during Wealth For My Health. I was sick when I finally got the courage to step on the scale. SICK. I knew in the back of my mind it was happening, but denial is an emotion that I do best. That, and anger. I am moving from denial to anger. Anger that I ever have allowed this to happen to my body. Anger that I am going to have to fight this stupid battle for the rest of my life. Anger that I don't have the fight to stick with anything. I could go on and on about everything that I am angry about, but what good would it do?
I have been exercising once a week and no more. I keep telling myself that I am going to go other days and times to work out, but then I am able to come up with excuses as to why I can't go. The one day that I do go, it is humbling and humiliating. I can't keep up with my work out buddy, I am reverting back to old ways like walking instead of running and not finishing exercises. Not to mention when I see my reflection in the mirror, I get nauseated at the site. I am also back to wearing a few select clothes because of how they fit and how I feel. My thighs rub together and my chin rests on my neck. It is disgusting in how it feels, and I can only imagine how it looks.
I went to a women's expo this past weekend. There were 100's of vendors. It was quite obvious that the skinny bitches that were there with their blingy ass jeans were fearful I might stop. They would look at me and then look down. One lady quickly pointed out the "plus sizes", how sweet. The ONLY people that would make eye contact or speak to me were the people that were there with their guaranteed weight loss products. Pills, drinks, shakes, patches. You name it, I could have purchased it all and been T-H-I-N in no time at all, for a low, low fee. This is not to mention I was looking at everyone else who was there and thinking "I wonder how much she weighs? I wonder what size she is, I wonder wonder wonder". I am envious, ok, probably jealous of others that I know who are losing weight, exercising, sticking to a plan. What the hell is wrong with me that I am fat, with no near hope of ever not being fat? I just want to fit in. . . fit in the world and fit in my clothes.
So, I don't know where to go from here. It sickens me, depresses me, and nauseates me to think of the mountain I have to climb to even begin to dig myself out of this mess. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way this consumes me. How do I keep on keepin' on?

2012

Happy New Year! I was wondering what I wrote about last year at this time, and the ironic thing is, it is much the same as this year. Hmmm.

2011 ended kind of rough. I took about 6 weeks off from all exercise, and consequently, not so swell on the nutrition front either. Because of surgery, I had to take 3 weeks off, but I can't remember the reason(s) for taking the other 3 weeks off. I'm sure at the time it was justified. . . probably.

I haven't been on the scale, no desire. I know the number is up. My spare tire has grown from that of a mid-size car to more of the front tire on an 18 wheeler. My clothes aren't as comfortable either. I went to bootcamp twice this week. It felt good to sweat and work hard, but it has not felt good to change positions, especially climbing stairs. Every muscle below my neck has reminded me of my 6 week sabbatical. My goal is to attend 3 classes/week. I hear others talk about their weight loss, exercise success, or other goals being achieved related to fitness and health, and I get pissed off. I'm pretty sure I'm pissed off totally because I am jealous. I recognize it and don't like it. I also continue to pray for strength (physical and emotional) to be successful on my quest to be healthy and fit forever, not just for a few months. I'm certain my prayers are being addressed in some way, but I just haven't figured out how yet.

Next week, I am tackling my nutrition more seriously. I have ordered some books that are about hormones, nutrition, and weight. I'm anxious to read them. I know they are NOT a magic fix, but the reviews seem to show that there is a definite correlation between the three. If there are additional things I can do besides what I know works (exercise, eat right), then I'm all for it.



I really wish that I had some fabulous new photo to post of my progress, or a story of achieving my goals. However, I think I have not set attainable goals that I can meet and maintain. That is something I really need to look at. I need to quit making excuses and start being more accountable for everything. In short, I need to keep on keepin' on. . . .