I have rewritten this post a million times in my head. A million. I am back to ground zero, square one, the begining, the bottom, however you want to look at it. I have gained back all but 13 pounds of what I lost during Wealth For My Health. I was sick when I finally got the courage to step on the scale. SICK. I knew in the back of my mind it was happening, but denial is an emotion that I do best. That, and anger. I am moving from denial to anger. Anger that I ever have allowed this to happen to my body. Anger that I am going to have to fight this stupid battle for the rest of my life. Anger that I don't have the fight to stick with anything. I could go on and on about everything that I am angry about, but what good would it do?
I have been exercising once a week and no more. I keep telling myself that I am going to go other days and times to work out, but then I am able to come up with excuses as to why I can't go. The one day that I do go, it is humbling and humiliating. I can't keep up with my work out buddy, I am reverting back to old ways like walking instead of running and not finishing exercises. Not to mention when I see my reflection in the mirror, I get nauseated at the site. I am also back to wearing a few select clothes because of how they fit and how I feel. My thighs rub together and my chin rests on my neck. It is disgusting in how it feels, and I can only imagine how it looks.
I went to a women's expo this past weekend. There were 100's of vendors. It was quite obvious that the skinny bitches that were there with their blingy ass jeans were fearful I might stop. They would look at me and then look down. One lady quickly pointed out the "plus sizes", how sweet. The ONLY people that would make eye contact or speak to me were the people that were there with their guaranteed weight loss products. Pills, drinks, shakes, patches. You name it, I could have purchased it all and been T-H-I-N in no time at all, for a low, low fee. This is not to mention I was looking at everyone else who was there and thinking "I wonder how much she weighs? I wonder what size she is, I wonder wonder wonder". I am envious, ok, probably jealous of others that I know who are losing weight, exercising, sticking to a plan. What the hell is wrong with me that I am fat, with no near hope of ever not being fat? I just want to fit in. . . fit in the world and fit in my clothes.
So, I don't know where to go from here. It sickens me, depresses me, and nauseates me to think of the mountain I have to climb to even begin to dig myself out of this mess. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way this consumes me. How do I keep on keepin' on?

2012

Happy New Year! I was wondering what I wrote about last year at this time, and the ironic thing is, it is much the same as this year. Hmmm.

2011 ended kind of rough. I took about 6 weeks off from all exercise, and consequently, not so swell on the nutrition front either. Because of surgery, I had to take 3 weeks off, but I can't remember the reason(s) for taking the other 3 weeks off. I'm sure at the time it was justified. . . probably.

I haven't been on the scale, no desire. I know the number is up. My spare tire has grown from that of a mid-size car to more of the front tire on an 18 wheeler. My clothes aren't as comfortable either. I went to bootcamp twice this week. It felt good to sweat and work hard, but it has not felt good to change positions, especially climbing stairs. Every muscle below my neck has reminded me of my 6 week sabbatical. My goal is to attend 3 classes/week. I hear others talk about their weight loss, exercise success, or other goals being achieved related to fitness and health, and I get pissed off. I'm pretty sure I'm pissed off totally because I am jealous. I recognize it and don't like it. I also continue to pray for strength (physical and emotional) to be successful on my quest to be healthy and fit forever, not just for a few months. I'm certain my prayers are being addressed in some way, but I just haven't figured out how yet.

Next week, I am tackling my nutrition more seriously. I have ordered some books that are about hormones, nutrition, and weight. I'm anxious to read them. I know they are NOT a magic fix, but the reviews seem to show that there is a definite correlation between the three. If there are additional things I can do besides what I know works (exercise, eat right), then I'm all for it.



I really wish that I had some fabulous new photo to post of my progress, or a story of achieving my goals. However, I think I have not set attainable goals that I can meet and maintain. That is something I really need to look at. I need to quit making excuses and start being more accountable for everything. In short, I need to keep on keepin' on. . . .

No blogging since June.  I have made many posts in my mind, but never put them in print.  I find my thoughts a whole lot more exciting than my writing.  Perhaps there are not any new entries because there is not any new information.  I continue to go to boot camp 2-3 (mostly 2) times a week and think about eating right, but not doing a very good job at making it consistently happen.  I haven't been on the scale in months, but that doesn't really bother me.  I know I've gained, my clothes are snug and my spare tire has grown from a small car tire to an 18 wheeler.  I have met  with dieticians, journaled, prayed, and paid for meal plans and at the end of the day I still eat like shit and eat too much.  It is really sick and I keep telling myself how much better I would feel if I would get it together.  I have heartburn, I've NEVER had heartburn.  It is clearly because of my choices in diet.  I am not sure what the next step is, except to keep on keepin' on. . . .

is boredom bad?

Wow, no post in a month. That is a bold and honest statement about the level of excitement in my life. That is OK though because sometime excitement is unwanted and I certainly am OK with low key and boring.

Fitness and health. I am doing a fitness challenge at work and a partner fitness challenge at the place I work out at. With all of these fitness challenge commitments, one would think I would be ripped with amazing strength, speed and endurance. Nope, not at all. I still am the last of the pack with any kind of running, and my form of "cement shoe steps" has wreaked havoc on my knees. I still sweat like a hooker in church for the entire duration of boot camps, and I still look frumpy in my fat lady clothes. BUT, I am regularly attending boot camp and have walked a couple of mornings with other chics in my neighborhood. I haven't gotten on a scale because I don't want to know the number. However, for the partner challenge this week, we have to run a 1/2 mile carrying a backpack that contains 15% of our current body weight. Can't freakin' wait for that. . . . nothing like cement shoeing it for a 1/2 mile while supporting the weight of a grown child on my back. Damn, sounds like so much fun I can hardly wait. It is a good thing that a fire station is a mere 4 blocks from the gym. They should be able to resuscitate me before I have lost too much oxygen to my brain and caused permanent damage.

Food remains my enemy, although I have been doing a bit better recently. I have a constant craving for cookie dough, so I am certain that I am lacking some essential nutrient in my body. I've never really been a sweets kind of girl, so this is especially odd for me. So far I have fought the urge, but I don't know how long it will last before me and a bowl of oatmeal chocolate chip cookie dough have a come to Jesus meeting, or at least a come to my mouth meeting.

I tried to change the background on my blog. don't know what he hell I am doing and that is why it looks all messed up. I don't care to mess with it anymore, so it will just stay like it is.

So, not much excitement, not much change, just a whole lot of keep on keepin' on. . . . . .

When I started this blog, I fully expected that I would either have quit blogging by now, OR, I would weigh far less than I did when I started this journey. It turns out that I was wrong on both accounts. I am still blogging, and I am still incredibly overweight. I have not gotten on a scale in a VERY long time. I used the excuse that it caused anxiety. In all reality, it caused me to realize that I am fat and that caused the anxiety.
I have joined yet another fitness challenge. This time it is at work with a group of coworkers. It officially starts Monday, the 23rd, but we had to weigh in today. OMG freakin' scale tipping numbers. I about shit my pants when I saw the number. It was NOT shitting my pants in a good way either. (I don't know when it is good to shit your pants) It was an all out, get your poop in a group and get the eating under control kind of shit my pants. I about died. It was bad. Really bad. I had foolishly convinced myself that by exercising I would prevent myself from gaining weight. It is just a damn good thing I have been exercising, or else I would have had to go to the freight elevator scale to weigh in.
I am my own worst enemy. I can convince myself of about anything bad related to food is OK. I will tell myself that it is OK to eat crappy for a day or two and then I will get back on track. The sad reality is that I have not gotten back on track. I am lying on the track and repeatedly getting run over by the carbohydrate, cheese train!
I met with a dietitian last week and talked about a plan to get back on the wagon. I should have started today, but due to my lack of planning, I had no groceries and made some crappy choices. I also convinced myself that since I will be gone every night this week that perhaps I should wait until next week to start. GRRR.
I am in a mild panic about the month of June and exercise. I have clinical 3 mornings a week and the kids have ball Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evenings. I don't want to lose anything I may have gained from boot camp, and that is a huge fear.
SO, back on the good food choice wagon, I hope. Finding a plan for regular exercise despite the chaos of everyday life, and keepin' on keepin' on. . . .

May Day

May Day. Not the May Day of delivering baskets of candy. (Although my 5 year old was PISSED that we didn't deliver May baskets this year!) May Day in the regard of "rescue me", "help", "trouble in paradise" etc. That is what I was thinking for 3 hours and 19 minutes this morning. OK, maybe not the entire 3 hours and 19 minutes, but a good portion of it.

It was the Half Marathon here today. It was the 5th year in a row that my mom and I have done. I was dreading this day LESS than I have anytime over the past 5 years. I have been exercising regularly for 9 months and have completed 2 5K races over the past 6 weeks. It would be ok.

How FREAKING wrong I was. This was the worst I have ever felt in all 5 years. This was the only year I have ever considered quitting. It sucked. I have made several excuses for why it sucked. It sucked because the shoes I bought about 6 weeks ago were SHIT and I think I would have had less pain if I would have worn no shoes for 13.1 miles. My legs still hurt like a bitch and I don't know if I will ever walk normally again, or if I will make it through personal training on Tuesday. I just don't know anything except I don't ever think I felt this crappy after doing the half in the past.

To make the event even better, my contacts were a mess, to the point I could see nothing and eventually one fell out and I pulled the second one out and could see BETTER without them. I was still blind, but thank heavens I had a friend with me who served as my seeing eyed guide from mile 8 to the end. What a comedy of errors. . . .

I am also a bit pissed at the people who were leisurely walking the 1/2 marathon as if they were out for an afternoon stroll. No sweating, no struggle, no bad shoes, no near blindness, and they STILL finished ahead of me. They probably don't even exercise regularly and they still kicked my ass. They looked GOOD in their workout gear and they were having fun. Bitches.

I should be proud that I cut A LOT of time off from past years, so that is a testament to regular exercise. I should be proud that I jogged pretty much all of the first 5 miles. I should be proud that I have a body that is able to exercise. Shit on the shoulds.

I AM proud of my mom and sister in law for kicking that 1/2 marathon's bootie. They worked their butts off and their times showed it. I am proud that my husband and kids were at the finish line, along with my brother, niece, nephew, and dad to offer words of encouragement. I am proud that God has given me a body that can work hard and feel the pain of pushing myself as hard as I can. I do wish that God would consider giving me a little less body but that is another post. . . . .

I've also decided that the economy has hit the 1/2 and full marathon. The shirts we received were paper thin and not sized correctly at all. The crowds that are usually out to cheer us on weren't there. . . .I'm guessing they were snuggled in their warm homes (it was COLD), working their second job to cover the bills, or at church (praying for people like me, I hope). The house on South 20th street that usually always has a ginormous bowl of jelly bellies out was cleaning up when I got there. . .no jelly bellies for me. The economy must have caused them to cut back on the number of jelly bellies, or there were a lot of J-B pigs ahead of me. A lot of the water stations (except for my employer's station!!) were closing up shop by the time I got there. UMMM hell-O, walkers need support AND hydration also.

As of right now, I have done my last half marathon. My talents would be better served as a volunteer. The shirts are better and I think I would be good at motivating the walkers and the people who are at the end of the pack. I could also wear my glasses and comfy shoes and not have to make a nasty, negative post about how miserable I am.

I am not giving up, quitting, or throwing in the towel. I am going to keep on keepin' on. . .

Funkity Funk

I'm in a funk. A freakin' funkity funk. I am not sure how I got here, or how to get out, I just know I am here. It really hit me last night at boot camp. We we jogging with medicine balls that we were supposed to hold above our heads for the jog. Everyone did a great job at complying, except for me. I jogged, and I held the medicine ball. However, not for one damn step did I hold it above my head, but rather held it at my chest the entire fricking time. I didn't even try. I kept thinking of how disappointed I was in myself the entire time, but did I raise the ball even for 2 or 3 steps? Hell no. I was still dead last when running back and forth to the bridge, and felt as if I was going to die during all of the exercises. I am not ready to throw in the towel and go back to my obese way of living, but I am also no happy to have not lost any weight since December and still be working out on a regular basis. I know a lot of it is my diet. I have about as much will power with that as I did carrying the medicine ball above my head. It is my own fault, but I am sick of it. I am mad that I went for a jog this week and had to walk a few times just trying to do 2 miles. . . . did I NOT just jog an entire 3 miles? Back pedaling, damn it. So, when I think about not carrying the ball, not losing weight, not eating right, and not feeling like I have made any progress in the past 8 months, I realize where the freaking funkity funk comes from. I mentioned it to my trainer and she said that she thinks I am stronger than I think and asked if it was all mental. It probably is mental. . . mental illness! So, I know to get out of this freaking funkity funk I should keep on keepin' on. . .we'll see.

42

I have never been one to have a "favorite" number. I don't have time for it. I think it is dumb, it is a number for goodness sake. I can remember numbers fairly easily, phone numbers, addresses, dates, and of course, my WEIGHT. Again, this is a number that I don't care to remember, so I quit measuring it. I digress. . . In my last entry I wrote about signing up for a couple of 5K's and hoping I could shave off some time from previous 5K's and perhaps run/jog some of it. Two weeks ago my mom and I did a 5K together. My mom has ALWAYS kicked my ass when we do these races, including the past 4 half marathons that we have done together. She is a gunner, a competitor, a dig deep and work you ass off kind of chic. I wish I were more like her in this regard. Going into the race, I had three goals:

1. to lower my time


2. jog more than walk


3. keep up with mom

It was a crappy weather day, cool, snowing and cloudy. I was not nervous for this 5K like I have been for others. I attributed it to my attitude of "it is what it is" and the fact that I have done more consecutive exercise the past 8 months than in the past 25 years. I KNEW I wasn't out to set any major records and if I was dead last, then at least someone else wasn't! OK, so when we started, I told myself that I was going to run the first mile, even if it was at a handicapped snails pace, I was going to jog. When I got to the first mile sign, I told myself that it was ONLY a 1/2 mile to the turn around point and if I had already jogged 1 mile, I sure as hell could do another 1/2. It just kept on for me, and when I got to the turn around, I again dug deep and told myself that I only had another 1/2 mile to go and I could officially say I jogged 2 miles. Well, you can see where this is headed, when I got to the 2 mile point, there was NO FREAKING way I wasn't running the last 1.2 miles. There were more miles behind me than in front of me. . . SO, I turned up the volume on my tunes and dug deep. I miscalculated where the finish was and sped it up too soon, so I did have to walk a TINY, TINY bit, but in the end, I ran probably 3 of the 3.2 miles. I finished just SLIGHTLY ahead of my mom, I jogged MOST of it, and (drum roll please. . . .) I dropped almost 4 minutes off of my last time. I finished this race in 42:42. One minute and one second for every year I've been alive. . . not bad. Not that I'm going to start thinking that 42 is my lucky number, I still think that is bullshit, but I will be able to remember my time! :) I have gone out a couple of times since and done some jogging, and while I can do the first mile without feeling like I need to die, subsequent miles don't come as easy. I keep telling myself that I can do it and listening to my music. It sounds nutty but when I am out there jogging and I feel like I am going to die, inevitably certain songs will come on my iPod and I know that it is divine intervention giving me the push that I need to not walk. Yesterday, it was a song that I put on a slide show that I made for my Grandma's funeral. I truly felt as if Granny was there with me pushing me harder and harder and helping me to keep on keepin' on.

I am nervous for a 5K that I am doing in 2 weeks. I am nervous because there will be a lot of people I know there. I am nervous because I have been eating like a hog. I am nervous because now that I have done a 5K without much walking, I am afraid I won't be able to do it again, or at least in under 42 minutes and 42 seconds for a 42 year old fatty. I am nervous because 3 weeks after that 5K is the half and I am nervous for that because it is 13 miles and I want to REALLY knock some time off years past. I am nervous because my knee hurts all of the time. So many nerves. . .

I am still working out with Roxanne on Tuesdays. She is amazing and last week it was clear that she has crossed over to the other side of fitness. It made me realize that if I don't want to waste her time, Heidi's time, or my time, I need to kick it up a notch. I don't want to hold them back and be the slug. . . She is good motivation for me, and a good friend to have reconnected with.

I have not had a Diet Coke (or any caffeinated soda) since Lent started. I think about Diet Coke all of the time, and to hear someone open a chilled can is almost more than I can handle. I just want a sip. I must say that my water consumption has significantly grown. I am not sure if I sleep better, but perhaps. I know that when Lent is over, I will have a diet coke, but WILL NOT go back to drinking the ridiculous amount I was. I have no desire for that.

So, jogging, training, and drinking. . .water, are what I have been up to lately. I am hoping to get on the wagon and eat better to start losing weight again and in order to do that I will have to keep on keepin' on. . .

Tuesdays with Heidi...and Roxanne

I'm certain that many have read the book Tuesdays with Maury. I am one of the many that hasn't. I think it is about a guy who is dying and another guy spends Tuesdays with him and journals about it. Anyway, I have my own new Tuesday ritual. My friend that I worked with many years and many pounds ago, Roxanne, answered my plea for a tandem personal training partner and so we spend our Tuesdays working like dogs with Heidi. It is one of the best hours of my week. We work hard, sweat buckets, and feel it in our muscles for the days that follow. I love it. I am still trying to go to boot camp twice a week in addition to Tuesdays with Heidi and Roxanne. I have signed up for a couple of 5K's in addition to the half marathon. I would like to think I could run more than walk, but I am not convinced. I will settle to have a better time than the last 5K in December. . . I hope. I really would like to do significantly better in the half also, but again, it is what it is.
One battle I am still struggling with is FOOD. It is Easter season, so the Brach's jelly beans are fresher and tastier than any time of year. They are my trigger food. If I buy a bag, it is gone before I even get home. BUT, I have gone without Diet Coke, or any caffeinated pop for a week now. I still crave diet coke, but I am giving it up at least until Easter, hopefully until after the marathon. I do sleep better and have some other health benefits from no caffeine, but I miss it. I must have some kind of addiction to good food and good drink. I really would like to lose more weight, and I think I will. I am dedicated to exercise, and hopefully with the nice weather we are in store for, I will get even more active.
I have no choice but to keep on keepin' on. . . .

A Sign?

I consider myself a Christian, and I truly believe that God answer's prayers. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to recognize the answer he is giving me, because it isn't necessarily the answer I was expecting or hoping for. I talk to God a lot about my weight and ask for his help in resolving my obsession with it. I talk to him about giving me strength with eating and to also give me the strength to keep on keepin' on.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what to do to kick up the weight loss. I haven't gained since December when WFMH ended, but I haven't lost either. Not. A. Pound. I was feeling OK with that and trying to convince myself to be happy with who I am, after all, I am still going to boot camp twice a week, and last week I finished up my 3 sessions of personal training. I have been thinking about rejoining WFMH, meeting with the dietitian at my gym, or rejoining Weight Watchers (WW). I have been talking with God about this and asking him to point me in the right direction. Then, through the voice of my favorite 7 year old (aka my daughter) he spoke to me. As we were driving down the highway, she said, out of the blue, "Mom, have you ever thought about doing Weight Watchers On-Line?". I knew immediately that she was the messenger for what I have been praying about. I was a bit sad, I must admit, because I HATE to count points and journal what I eat, but I HATE being fat more, so I think that this weekend, I will log on, sign up, and start my journey.
I am NOT giving up the exercise. I did not go to boot camp at all this week, and I totally am having guilt about it. I know that when I go Monday night, I will feel my week off. I did "wog" on Sunday and Monday, and felt pretty good about the fact that I jogged more than walked, but also wonder what my neighbors who drove by as I was "jogging" must have thought. I have no form, and occasionally find myself singing out loud to whatever song is on the iPod at the time! (Current favorite is Eric Church's "Smoke a little smoke"). I don't care what they thought, (ok, maybe a little), but still wonder? I am hoping to find someone in the next week to sign up and purchase some tandem personal training with me at the gym, but haven't had luck so far. The three sessions that I did 1:1 were FABULOUS and I truly loved every minute of it. There was no slacking and it was all about making me stronger and healthier. I know it is expensive, but so is being in the hospital from complications related to not working out. I keep trying to convince my husband that it would be a great thing for us to do, but he keeps looking at the $$ and ignoring me. He tried to convince me to do the Wii or the Xbox, and while in theory that sounds good, I am not disciplined enough. If I am not committed to someone, I won't do it. I do not have enough willpower to get it done on my own. I have great intentions but pathetic follow through.
So, I guess in order to keep on keepin' on, I will log on and sign up. After all, how can I ignore a direct communication from the man upstairs, or at least the cutest and smartest 7 year old I know! ;)

Love and Hate

I have a love hate relationship with food.  I hate that I love it so much.  I hate that I love to think about it, read about it, taste it, cook it, bake it, and watch about it on TV.  I hate that I don't have that same love for exercise.  I hate that I have minimal interest in rejoining weight watchers for the 293,349 time.  I hate that I haven't lost any weight since WFMH ended. I hate that I wake up thinking about food and my weight and have the same cravings and thoughts until I go to bed.  I hate that I am using the word hate so much.

I love that I have maintained my going to boot camp at least twice a week since WFMH ended.  Granted it has been difficult these past couple of weeks, mainly because of the weather.  I love how I feel after boot camp is over.  I love that Brady bought me 3 personal training sessions at Body Innovations and I get 1:1 time for an hour.  I love that tomorrow I am going to have boxing and "heavy" weight training.  I love that I haven't gained weight since WFMH ended.  I love that I feel guilty when I don't go to boot camp.  I love that Brady is going to boot camp also and clearly sees the benefit of it. . . makes my support that much easier. I love that I am trying to set good examples for my kids in terms of exercising.  I love that my love list is longer than my hate list. 

So, I will continue to work on decreasing my hates and increasing my loves.  I will keep on keepin' on. . . I love the way that sounds.

A new year

2011.  The first year in as long as I can remember that I didn't start the New Year out with the resolution to lose weight and start exercising.  Both are still very much resolutions, but I had a jump on the new year and had already started.  So, while it was a comfort to already be "on the wagon", I have found myself under the wagon a few times and having a hard time getting out from under it.  I have maintained my exercise routine but the eating battle continues.  I can't stand it.  I think about food from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed, and sometimes when I wake up at night.  I think about what I would like to eat, what I would like to cook, what is healthy, what is not, what I have eaten so far in a day, what I wish I wouldn't have eaten, and so on.  It is one of the many things that consume me.  EVERY night I find myself praying for the strength to make better choices the next day and sometimes I do and sometimes the wagon runs over me. . . again.  I did so well during WFMH because I felt accountable and I felt competitive and I knew that every single Monday night I would have to get on the scale and answer for my actions.  Now, I don't have that accountability and it is catching up to me.  I think I have gained 3-5 pounds and that stresses me out.  I have looked online at Spark People and have considered rejoining WW.  I am also beating myself up for not rejoining WFMH.  While I hated the Monday night meetings, I loved the group workouts and I loved the camaraderie.  Don't look back.  I still enjoy boot camp, but I wish I was making more progress.  I tell myself that I am going to work as hard as I possibly can for that hour to maximize my participation, but I am still a weaker link.  SO, what does this mean?  As much as I would like to think I am not competitive, I guess I really am.  The competition with myself is not enough.  I need to compete with a team.  I am going to have to learn to be satisfied with myself as competition because I cannot spend the rest of my life paying for competition to maintain control with my eating.  I hope that I can spend the rest of my life exercising and being active.  I registered for the 1/2 marathon in hopes of decreasing my time, but probably not going to be able to run, but I pray that with routine exercise I will have more endurance and stamina.
I have been having some rough days for many reasons.  However, my brother put things in great perspective for me today on his Facebook and reminded me that no matter what kind of bad place we think we are in, there is ALWAYS someone else who is in a worse place and we (I) need to suck it up and be grateful for my situation.  He is right, I have so much to be grateful for and have been truly blessed.  SO, I can continue to have stress and anxiety about my situation, or I can keep on keepin' on. . . .

The end of the begining

Tonight was the final weigh and measure for WFMH.  We had been "on our own" for 4 weeks so this was a test of how well we did.  It was also the final measurement to determine the winner of the final 3.  Reminder, I was NOT in the final three.  Anyway, we also had our final measurements of our neck, hips, chest, arms, legs, shoulders and waist.  We had not had those taken since week one (8-29-10).  I wasn't even nervous tonight, after all, what good would it really do?  I was kind of excited, but knowing my somewhat "the glass is half empty" mentality when it comes to myself and my weight, I knew it would NEVER be enough.  I had a KILLER headache going into boot camp tonight that carried over into the weigh in.  I know it was because I hadn't really eaten or had anything to drink today-wanted to be at my best for the weigh and measure! Consequently I darn near died from NO energy and the head ache.  I digress.
My totals since starting WFMH are:  weight down 24lbs, and over 20" total lost combining all of my measurements.  My biggest inches of loss were on my hips (yeah), chest, and waist.  I have to be happy, but am already thinking about what I need to do to lose more weight and inches.  The only obvious choice is to keep going to boot camp and try to maintain some sense of control with my eating.  That continues to be my nemesis, but it is life, so I will just roll with it.  (Hopefully there will be less of me rolling!)  Brady has joined boot camp also, so the competitive spirit will kick in and maybe help me to maintain and quite possibly elevate my level of motivation and dedication.  :) 
I am VERY excited that I do not have to make a resolution to exercise and lose weight this New Year's. . . I'm already on target.  So, I guess my only resolution is to keep on keepin' on. . .

Motivation

I really do not like this time of year.  It is cold, it is dark, and it is hard to eat healthy.  I like to think of "comfort foods" when it gets cold out, and I like love to cook and bake around the holidays.  It isn't much fun to look for recipes for a new relish tray, or fruit bowl.  Not to mention, there isn't a lot of variety for these types of foods.  I did go to a healthy cooking class at my boot camp, and the information and food was awesome, however, it all reverts back to those two words. . . portion control.  I have none.  N-O-N-E.  If one piece of pizza tastes good, then I have more..  .lots more.  If there are "snacks" like chips, crackers, cheese, or any other salty, carb ridden foods around, I'm there.  It makes me mad, even as I'm eating them because I know they are not the best choices, and I know I need to stop.  But. I. Can't.  THEN, after I indulge, I beat myself up with endless amounts of guilt about losing control and falling off the wagon.  It probably isn't the same,but to some degree I can relate to people with other addictions and how hard it is to stop.  I know what I should do, trust me, I've been to more weight watcher meetings than I care to think about.  I am great at encouraging others and giving suggestions, but I SUCK at following my own advice.
Thanksgiving was no different.  We were in Alabama with Brady's family and exposed to A LOT of great food and believe you me, I tasted all of it.  The entire drive home I was obsessing about what I had eaten and the sad reality that I had only taken one walk.  I was craving boot camp.  THAT is the kind of craving I want.  Monday couldn't have came soon enough.  The boot camp felt wonderful.  I tried to work as hard as possible, with my brain constantly thinking of everything I had eaten, and how many boot camps I would have to go to to not only balance all of the food I had eaten, but to start the weight loss again. 
I am kind of nervous about not weighing in weekly, since I didn't rejoin Wealth for my Health for the second session. I can so easily rationalize that it will be ok to eat something and "start over tomorrow".  That is the EXACT mentality that has plagued me all of my life.   Hopefully, I will stay on target because I purchased a package of boot camps and am still planning to go at least twice a week, three being ideal.  I still like boot camp and the way it makes me feel, but I am very unsatisfied with how I still look.  I know that the weight loss being slow is better and has a better chance of lasting longer, but as with everything else in my life, I want results NOW. 
SO, I'm developing a "habit" of exercise, and would like to do more.  However, the eating and food choices still have a long, long way to go.  That only means that I will keep on keepin' on. . .

Bucket List

I have heard many people speak of their "bucket list".  I have never really thought about what I would have on my "bucket list", but a 5K would have to be up there.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have done several 5K's.  Several.  NEVER have I been able to jog more than I ran.  NEVER have I been able to keep up with my mom.  NEVER have I felt like I was a competitor.  Until today.  Today I participated in the Jingle Bell run for Arthritis.  It was a 5K and several WFMH people participated.  I was hoping that since starting my quest for a healthier lifestyle, I would be able to be more "athletic".  I knew I would not be running the entire thing.  I knew I would not finish in the front of the pack.  I KNEW I would finish, and I would work hard to make it competitive for myself. 
Thanks to constant encouragement from my WFMH pal, Monte, and my mom, I was able to meet my goals.  I jogged more than I walked, I landed a personal best for time, and I was able to keep up with my mom.  It felt good.  I don't know an official time, but even the unofficial time that Brady kept was still 6 minutes better than the race I did in September. 
Monday is the final weigh in a measurements for the "top 3".  I won't make the cut.  I don't even care.  I have not only gotten stronger, lost a bit of weight, and hopefully lost some inches, but I have met some great people who I have total respect for.  Friday night was our final WFMH team boot camp.  We worked hard, but it wasn't as bad as that first one, 12 weeks ago.  We were able to talk during the workout, laugh, and push each other.  Just like the race today, it was good.
I'm not terribly worried about Thanksgiving.  I am not planning to eat like I am capable of, I am planning to  get some exercise in.  It will also be good.  We have our final, final measurements on December 13th.  Those are the ones I am most excited for.  I want to know how the encouragement from my trainers combined with my desire to be healthy has contributed to my loss of inches. 
I do not think I am going to re-enlist in WFMH.  It has been a great program and really jump started my lifestyle change.  When I was looking back to decide what to do, I realized that the thing I loved the most from WFMH was boot camp, it made sense that I should just continue with that.  Twice a week at a minimum, hopefully more on occasion will be my goal.  My long term goal is to shave a bunch of time off of my 1/2 marathon time.  I am not thinking that I will run the entire thing, but with my friend Monte, we certainly will give it our best shot.  It will be good.  I would have NEVER thought that I would LIKE exercise, especially boot camp.  I love the way I feel when I have completed a class.  I love sweating my brains out and breathing hard.  It feels soooooo good.
So, weigh and measure on Monday and in the mean time, I will keep on keepin' on. . . . .

Give Thanks

I am giving thanks that tonight is over.  Boot camp was one of the hardest I have ever endured.  I felt especially bad (physically and mentally) because a friend from work went with me for the first time, and she had to endure the same workout.  However, I couldn't be more proud of her for hanging in there and FINISHING.  She was tough.

After boot camp, we had a survivor type challenge for WFMH.  It was 3 parts, food tasting, trivia, and a physical challenge.  The food was GROSS.  Pickled herring, pickled watermelon rind, some Indian dish with spinach, and two drinks, one of which looked like something that came from the toilet.  The trivia was trying to guess the "diet of the decade" from the 20's through 2010.  I didn't have a clue, but didn't really care either.  The physical was tough.  We had to balance on a piece of PVC pipe and balance on a partner while moving it about 20 yards.  Sounds easy, but it wasn't.  I was partnered with my boot camp buddy, Rob.  He made me laugh the entire time and I almost fell off several times because of his humor.  AFTER this, we had to sprint.  I came in second to last of my group with the sprinting, but at least I wasn't last!!  It took me almost the entire drive home to catch my breath!

Next week is the final weight and measurement to see who makes the top 3.  I won't be there (in the top 3), but that's OK.  I hope to lose lbs. and inches.  Boot camp again on Friday, which is the last one for WFMH, and then the Jingle Bell run on Saturday.  If I can just maintain some degree of good nutrition between now  and then, I will feel OK.  Nutrition is still my weakness.  We have our final measurements on December 13th.  We will be on our own after this Friday, but I am going to keep going to boot camp twice a week.  THAT is my new habit.  I am not sure if I am going to do WFMH next time, or just keep going to boot camp.  I do know that I am going to keep doing something.  I have a long way (weigh) to go, but I am going to get there.  I love the way I feel after I exercise.  In a warped way, I love being a little sore in the days following boot camp, it makes me think I have worked hard and am making progress.  Twisted, I know.

Tonight I was down 1.2 lbs. and that makes a grand total of 18.6.  Not bad.  MUCH better than gaining that much.  Time for bed, the workout(s) tonight have kicked my butt, and tomorrow will come way too soon.  Until next time, you know I will be keep on keepin' on. . . . . . .

retribution or respect?

Monday.  Boot Camp.  No weigh in this week.  (Good because according to my scale at home I need to refocus!)  I was 10 minutes late for boot camp. . . for some reason I was thinking it started at 6pm instead of 5:30, so I started the night out behind the 8 ball.  For a fleeting minute, I did consider not even going, but that was what I would have done in the past, but now I wanted to go.  WANTED to exercise, holy moly.  Anyway, I digress.  There was 1 of my WFMH pals there, and 9 other die hards.  The people who look good exercising, who look like they are having fun while working out, who rarely sweat, and who probably never crave something prepared in a pot of hot oil.  They are mostly the people who avoid eye contact with me, for fear of absorbing some of my weight, I guess.  Tonight our trainer told us to "pair up with someone of equal size and strength".  As you can predict, there was not a bunch of people fighting over my WFMH buddy and I.  I was told to be with the lone guy in the group.  Figures, I'm used to that.  NOT because I am strong, but I am built like a man.  (A BIG man).  So, I literally see the dude ROLL HIS EYES when he heard that we were partnered.  Our task was for one of us to wear a resistance band around our waist and the other one to hold as much resistance as possible while the other one tries to sprint.  I could tell that the dude was pretty confident he was going to not be challenged.  Game on, sucka.  I dug my heels in and pulled as hard as I possibly could.  I made it as hard as I could, and used every pound of my overweight body to hold that finely tuned athlete back.  Then there was retribution, leading to respect.  HE COULD NOT FINISH.  He couldn't breathe, he was sweating like a hooker in church (thanks to my brother for that reference), he was dying.  I was elated.  It actually gave me some motivation to pull him as hard as I could, to show him that fat people are not all weak, junk food eating, unmotivated people.  He again worked his ass off, as did I, but it felt good.  AND, at the end of it all, between gasping breaths, he told me "good job".  THEN we had to pair up for another resistance activity and he automatically decided that the tall, fat girl COULD challenge him a bit.  The trainer said we make a good pair and he said "No shit".  So, lesson learned, don't mess with the fat people because you just never know when they will use every fat cell in their body to kick your muscular ass.  Bring it!  I realize that I'm appearing a bit arrogant right now, and I don't care.  It was one of the best moments at boot camp . . . ever.  I may not be the fastest, or the most coordinated, but I CAN contribute, and I WILL work as hard as anyone else. 

However, the humbling moments still outnumber the overly confident moments by a ton.  I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and seriously thought I looked like a man trying to dress like a woman.  It frightened me, really frightened me.  I don't buy the whole "big boned" bull shit.  So, it only means I can do one thing to loose the masculine build. . . and by now, you know well what that is. . . I'm going to keep on keepin' on. . . .

Fall

Fall.  I love the word.  Fall means pretty colors, cooler temperatures, and Halloween. I also love the word Fall when it directly describes the scale on Monday night.  Tonight was a good night on the scale, and I have no idea why.  3.4lbs for a grand total of 17.4 down.  God is good.  I did not make it to boot camp Friday night (I was partying with 20+ first grade girls for Halloween) and I was feeling extremely guilty.  I then ditched the walking/running group I joined on Saturday because my fat fanny was too lazy to get there.  I did not eat well.  . . so it can only be the grace of God that allowed me to lose this week.  I know that this will not continue without more awareness, dedication, and work from me. 

I was feeling good about my progress, and then. . .it. . .. happened.  I was downloading some pictures from the weekend and there was one picture that I was in.  Darn it.  It brought me back to reality VERY quickly.  I still saw a fat chic staring back.  Now, I know that there is less fat than before, but still fat.  My ass doesn't quite resemble a fireplace mantle, and my back doesn't have such a large water buffalo hump, BUT.  It's the buts (and butts) that get me every stinking time.  I don't think I will be in any more pictures for quite a bit. . .it is not a proud moment for me.  I would rather just go to boot camp, try to eat right, and stay away from cameras and mirrors.  It is much less stressful for me.

I DID sign up for a 5k race the end of November.  My mom is going to do it with me.  (Thanks, mom).  She always is able to kick my ass in these races, so the goal I have set for myself is to keep up with her.  She is a machine, great shape, great figure, great mom.  I just want to keep her pace. . . . I don't have a set time I'm aiming for, but I do recall how long it took me to do a 5K in September, and hopefully I will cut a few seconds off of that.  I did join a WFMH group on Saturday mornings that is walking/jogging/running.  I am NOT going to be a runner, but if I can develop and maintain a brisk pace with walking and jogging, that will be a success in my book.  It's nice, because again, there are no professional runners in the group.  We are all non athletes with extra pounds, trying to avoid an early death from obesity related complications.  :)

So, brisk walking, boot camp, healthier eating, and avoiding cameras all contribute to my plan to keep on keepin' on. . . .

BTW, registration for the next session of Wealth for My Health starts soon. . .any takers on joining me for a second session???

by the hair of my chinny, chin chin

I am still in. . . .in the competition that is.  I dropped from #20 to #22, and the top 27 remained, so while I am still "in", I am NOT even close to the top three and the final prize at the end.  That is ok though, I have said all along that I am not in it to win it, but rather to develop life long habits (such as exercise).  I must say that on the days that I don't exercise I feel bad (physically and mentally).  That is a big change for me.  It the recent past, it used to be that on the days I DID exercise (which weren't many) I felt bad in every way.  Progress. 

Boot camps are still T-O-U-G-H.  Not getting any easier, and on the days that I go with the general population and not the WFMH group, they are really killer.  The physically fit people still  look down their noses as me, and some still appear to feel sorry for me, and NO ONE wants to be my partner.  I DON'T CARE.  If they only knew the progress (albeit small) I have made, they would cheer me on, and maybe not fear having to be my partner.  Their loss.  On the other hand, I LOVE the Friday boot camp.  Those are my people, they are floating in my boat, and understand everything about my journey to fitness.  I don't feel bad when I have to do the "modified" version of an exercise in front of them, I don't feel bad when I am the last one done running (yes my friends, I am RUNNING), and I don't feel bad when my stomach still jiggles like the Thanksgiving jell-o mold.  They are my people.  They understand, they cheer, and they keep coming back, knowing full well that it will be another ass kicking hour of exercise!

Running.  Now don't get excited, I am not training for a half marathon, or even a 5K, but I am also not running to the street anymore, and consistently running (jogging really) to the bridge with minimal walking, but it is progress.  The WFMH people are getting a Saturday morning walk/run club going and I am seriously considering doing it.  My bucket list is short, and the top of it is to complete a 5K with doing more jogging than running.  Baby steps. 

Eating.  Damn, that still kills me.  If I could be more consistent with that, I would be farther up on the list.  I love food, and I hate to journal about the food I love. As long as I am exercising and the #'s are moving down, I am not going to freak out about the food.  I am doing as good as I can right now, and rather than get my anxiety all out of control, I am going to accept things as they are. 

My family is still being awesome about all of this. BK has NEVER complained about me being gone to boot camp or meetings, and is ALWAYS supportive of my progress.  THAT is comforting in and of itself.  I owe them all, but hopefully if I establish and maintain some healthy habits, they will follow suit and in the long run we will all be better off.  I want my kids to make exercise a routine part of their lives so that when they are 40 they are not in my situation.

The numbers to current.  Nothing astonishing, but at least they are less than they were on 8-29-10.  Weight is down 14 lbs., abdomen circumference is down about 3 1/2 inches, and body fat is down 2.9.  I'm certain (positive) I would still fall into the "obese" category, but who really gives a shit what category they are in as long as they are doing something to change!

So, that is the latest.  I'm headed to dance for my daughter tonight, which means walking for me in order to keep on keepin' on.

Half way there

Sorry for the delay in posts, for the two of you that read.  I bet you are wondering if I have fallen off the wagon, bellied up to the buffet, went AWOL from boot camp, or just plan called it quits.  The answer to ALL of the above is NO, no I haven't done anything in any way to quit.  I am still going to boot camp, still trying to be active on non boot camp days, and trying to eat right. 

We are at the half way mark, and I must say I have hit a wall.  I have struggled more this past two weeks with my diet and being active than I have the entire time.  I have nothing to attribute it to other than shear and complete laziness.  It pisses me off when I don't do something to exercise everyday, as much as it pisses me off when I eat like crap.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not pigging out on fast food and crap, but I am not eating enough fruit and veggies.  Salt has been my friend, not a good friend.  I lost a titch of weight this week, but not enough.  I had hoped that by this point in the game I would have lost a helluva lot more.   

The reality really hit me today.  We get weighed and measured on Monday and I want to "move on" (as opposed to be eliminated) but am not going to if I don't kick it up a notch.  My daughter and I went to the bike path tonight and exercised for 2 miles.  She was like a mini personal trainer.  She was setting goals for me for when to run and when to walk, and when I was running, she was yelling positive words to me the entire time.  She was biking while coaching me.  I still had trouble running, but tried to keep up with the goals set by my the trainer. While I was jogging (and I can still feel my butt flopping up and down in rhythm to my steps) I was thinking how glad I am  that she likes exercise and how important it is to have her make it a habit now, rather than when she is a fat 40 something mama. 

The "beast" that I spoke of in an earlier post, the one who holds me back on "the hill" on Friday night, is in FIRST PLACE over all.  I am so proud of him and jokingly let him know that I feel that in a small way I have contributed to his success.  Now, if I could have half of his success I would be a more (not totally) happy woman.  I probably could have some of his success if I worked my ass off like he does.  He told me that the only day he doesn't work out, work out HARD, is Sunday.  He deserves to be in first place.  Way to go Rob. 

So, game on for an active weekend.  Game on for healthy eating, and game on to keep on keepin' on!!!