A new year

2011.  The first year in as long as I can remember that I didn't start the New Year out with the resolution to lose weight and start exercising.  Both are still very much resolutions, but I had a jump on the new year and had already started.  So, while it was a comfort to already be "on the wagon", I have found myself under the wagon a few times and having a hard time getting out from under it.  I have maintained my exercise routine but the eating battle continues.  I can't stand it.  I think about food from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed, and sometimes when I wake up at night.  I think about what I would like to eat, what I would like to cook, what is healthy, what is not, what I have eaten so far in a day, what I wish I wouldn't have eaten, and so on.  It is one of the many things that consume me.  EVERY night I find myself praying for the strength to make better choices the next day and sometimes I do and sometimes the wagon runs over me. . . again.  I did so well during WFMH because I felt accountable and I felt competitive and I knew that every single Monday night I would have to get on the scale and answer for my actions.  Now, I don't have that accountability and it is catching up to me.  I think I have gained 3-5 pounds and that stresses me out.  I have looked online at Spark People and have considered rejoining WW.  I am also beating myself up for not rejoining WFMH.  While I hated the Monday night meetings, I loved the group workouts and I loved the camaraderie.  Don't look back.  I still enjoy boot camp, but I wish I was making more progress.  I tell myself that I am going to work as hard as I possibly can for that hour to maximize my participation, but I am still a weaker link.  SO, what does this mean?  As much as I would like to think I am not competitive, I guess I really am.  The competition with myself is not enough.  I need to compete with a team.  I am going to have to learn to be satisfied with myself as competition because I cannot spend the rest of my life paying for competition to maintain control with my eating.  I hope that I can spend the rest of my life exercising and being active.  I registered for the 1/2 marathon in hopes of decreasing my time, but probably not going to be able to run, but I pray that with routine exercise I will have more endurance and stamina.
I have been having some rough days for many reasons.  However, my brother put things in great perspective for me today on his Facebook and reminded me that no matter what kind of bad place we think we are in, there is ALWAYS someone else who is in a worse place and we (I) need to suck it up and be grateful for my situation.  He is right, I have so much to be grateful for and have been truly blessed.  SO, I can continue to have stress and anxiety about my situation, or I can keep on keepin' on. . . .

The end of the begining

Tonight was the final weigh and measure for WFMH.  We had been "on our own" for 4 weeks so this was a test of how well we did.  It was also the final measurement to determine the winner of the final 3.  Reminder, I was NOT in the final three.  Anyway, we also had our final measurements of our neck, hips, chest, arms, legs, shoulders and waist.  We had not had those taken since week one (8-29-10).  I wasn't even nervous tonight, after all, what good would it really do?  I was kind of excited, but knowing my somewhat "the glass is half empty" mentality when it comes to myself and my weight, I knew it would NEVER be enough.  I had a KILLER headache going into boot camp tonight that carried over into the weigh in.  I know it was because I hadn't really eaten or had anything to drink today-wanted to be at my best for the weigh and measure! Consequently I darn near died from NO energy and the head ache.  I digress.
My totals since starting WFMH are:  weight down 24lbs, and over 20" total lost combining all of my measurements.  My biggest inches of loss were on my hips (yeah), chest, and waist.  I have to be happy, but am already thinking about what I need to do to lose more weight and inches.  The only obvious choice is to keep going to boot camp and try to maintain some sense of control with my eating.  That continues to be my nemesis, but it is life, so I will just roll with it.  (Hopefully there will be less of me rolling!)  Brady has joined boot camp also, so the competitive spirit will kick in and maybe help me to maintain and quite possibly elevate my level of motivation and dedication.  :) 
I am VERY excited that I do not have to make a resolution to exercise and lose weight this New Year's. . . I'm already on target.  So, I guess my only resolution is to keep on keepin' on. . .

Motivation

I really do not like this time of year.  It is cold, it is dark, and it is hard to eat healthy.  I like to think of "comfort foods" when it gets cold out, and I like love to cook and bake around the holidays.  It isn't much fun to look for recipes for a new relish tray, or fruit bowl.  Not to mention, there isn't a lot of variety for these types of foods.  I did go to a healthy cooking class at my boot camp, and the information and food was awesome, however, it all reverts back to those two words. . . portion control.  I have none.  N-O-N-E.  If one piece of pizza tastes good, then I have more..  .lots more.  If there are "snacks" like chips, crackers, cheese, or any other salty, carb ridden foods around, I'm there.  It makes me mad, even as I'm eating them because I know they are not the best choices, and I know I need to stop.  But. I. Can't.  THEN, after I indulge, I beat myself up with endless amounts of guilt about losing control and falling off the wagon.  It probably isn't the same,but to some degree I can relate to people with other addictions and how hard it is to stop.  I know what I should do, trust me, I've been to more weight watcher meetings than I care to think about.  I am great at encouraging others and giving suggestions, but I SUCK at following my own advice.
Thanksgiving was no different.  We were in Alabama with Brady's family and exposed to A LOT of great food and believe you me, I tasted all of it.  The entire drive home I was obsessing about what I had eaten and the sad reality that I had only taken one walk.  I was craving boot camp.  THAT is the kind of craving I want.  Monday couldn't have came soon enough.  The boot camp felt wonderful.  I tried to work as hard as possible, with my brain constantly thinking of everything I had eaten, and how many boot camps I would have to go to to not only balance all of the food I had eaten, but to start the weight loss again. 
I am kind of nervous about not weighing in weekly, since I didn't rejoin Wealth for my Health for the second session. I can so easily rationalize that it will be ok to eat something and "start over tomorrow".  That is the EXACT mentality that has plagued me all of my life.   Hopefully, I will stay on target because I purchased a package of boot camps and am still planning to go at least twice a week, three being ideal.  I still like boot camp and the way it makes me feel, but I am very unsatisfied with how I still look.  I know that the weight loss being slow is better and has a better chance of lasting longer, but as with everything else in my life, I want results NOW. 
SO, I'm developing a "habit" of exercise, and would like to do more.  However, the eating and food choices still have a long, long way to go.  That only means that I will keep on keepin' on. . .

Bucket List

I have heard many people speak of their "bucket list".  I have never really thought about what I would have on my "bucket list", but a 5K would have to be up there.  Now, don't get me wrong, I have done several 5K's.  Several.  NEVER have I been able to jog more than I ran.  NEVER have I been able to keep up with my mom.  NEVER have I felt like I was a competitor.  Until today.  Today I participated in the Jingle Bell run for Arthritis.  It was a 5K and several WFMH people participated.  I was hoping that since starting my quest for a healthier lifestyle, I would be able to be more "athletic".  I knew I would not be running the entire thing.  I knew I would not finish in the front of the pack.  I KNEW I would finish, and I would work hard to make it competitive for myself. 
Thanks to constant encouragement from my WFMH pal, Monte, and my mom, I was able to meet my goals.  I jogged more than I walked, I landed a personal best for time, and I was able to keep up with my mom.  It felt good.  I don't know an official time, but even the unofficial time that Brady kept was still 6 minutes better than the race I did in September. 
Monday is the final weigh in a measurements for the "top 3".  I won't make the cut.  I don't even care.  I have not only gotten stronger, lost a bit of weight, and hopefully lost some inches, but I have met some great people who I have total respect for.  Friday night was our final WFMH team boot camp.  We worked hard, but it wasn't as bad as that first one, 12 weeks ago.  We were able to talk during the workout, laugh, and push each other.  Just like the race today, it was good.
I'm not terribly worried about Thanksgiving.  I am not planning to eat like I am capable of, I am planning to  get some exercise in.  It will also be good.  We have our final, final measurements on December 13th.  Those are the ones I am most excited for.  I want to know how the encouragement from my trainers combined with my desire to be healthy has contributed to my loss of inches. 
I do not think I am going to re-enlist in WFMH.  It has been a great program and really jump started my lifestyle change.  When I was looking back to decide what to do, I realized that the thing I loved the most from WFMH was boot camp, it made sense that I should just continue with that.  Twice a week at a minimum, hopefully more on occasion will be my goal.  My long term goal is to shave a bunch of time off of my 1/2 marathon time.  I am not thinking that I will run the entire thing, but with my friend Monte, we certainly will give it our best shot.  It will be good.  I would have NEVER thought that I would LIKE exercise, especially boot camp.  I love the way I feel when I have completed a class.  I love sweating my brains out and breathing hard.  It feels soooooo good.
So, weigh and measure on Monday and in the mean time, I will keep on keepin' on. . . . .

Give Thanks

I am giving thanks that tonight is over.  Boot camp was one of the hardest I have ever endured.  I felt especially bad (physically and mentally) because a friend from work went with me for the first time, and she had to endure the same workout.  However, I couldn't be more proud of her for hanging in there and FINISHING.  She was tough.

After boot camp, we had a survivor type challenge for WFMH.  It was 3 parts, food tasting, trivia, and a physical challenge.  The food was GROSS.  Pickled herring, pickled watermelon rind, some Indian dish with spinach, and two drinks, one of which looked like something that came from the toilet.  The trivia was trying to guess the "diet of the decade" from the 20's through 2010.  I didn't have a clue, but didn't really care either.  The physical was tough.  We had to balance on a piece of PVC pipe and balance on a partner while moving it about 20 yards.  Sounds easy, but it wasn't.  I was partnered with my boot camp buddy, Rob.  He made me laugh the entire time and I almost fell off several times because of his humor.  AFTER this, we had to sprint.  I came in second to last of my group with the sprinting, but at least I wasn't last!!  It took me almost the entire drive home to catch my breath!

Next week is the final weight and measurement to see who makes the top 3.  I won't be there (in the top 3), but that's OK.  I hope to lose lbs. and inches.  Boot camp again on Friday, which is the last one for WFMH, and then the Jingle Bell run on Saturday.  If I can just maintain some degree of good nutrition between now  and then, I will feel OK.  Nutrition is still my weakness.  We have our final measurements on December 13th.  We will be on our own after this Friday, but I am going to keep going to boot camp twice a week.  THAT is my new habit.  I am not sure if I am going to do WFMH next time, or just keep going to boot camp.  I do know that I am going to keep doing something.  I have a long way (weigh) to go, but I am going to get there.  I love the way I feel after I exercise.  In a warped way, I love being a little sore in the days following boot camp, it makes me think I have worked hard and am making progress.  Twisted, I know.

Tonight I was down 1.2 lbs. and that makes a grand total of 18.6.  Not bad.  MUCH better than gaining that much.  Time for bed, the workout(s) tonight have kicked my butt, and tomorrow will come way too soon.  Until next time, you know I will be keep on keepin' on. . . . . . .

retribution or respect?

Monday.  Boot Camp.  No weigh in this week.  (Good because according to my scale at home I need to refocus!)  I was 10 minutes late for boot camp. . . for some reason I was thinking it started at 6pm instead of 5:30, so I started the night out behind the 8 ball.  For a fleeting minute, I did consider not even going, but that was what I would have done in the past, but now I wanted to go.  WANTED to exercise, holy moly.  Anyway, I digress.  There was 1 of my WFMH pals there, and 9 other die hards.  The people who look good exercising, who look like they are having fun while working out, who rarely sweat, and who probably never crave something prepared in a pot of hot oil.  They are mostly the people who avoid eye contact with me, for fear of absorbing some of my weight, I guess.  Tonight our trainer told us to "pair up with someone of equal size and strength".  As you can predict, there was not a bunch of people fighting over my WFMH buddy and I.  I was told to be with the lone guy in the group.  Figures, I'm used to that.  NOT because I am strong, but I am built like a man.  (A BIG man).  So, I literally see the dude ROLL HIS EYES when he heard that we were partnered.  Our task was for one of us to wear a resistance band around our waist and the other one to hold as much resistance as possible while the other one tries to sprint.  I could tell that the dude was pretty confident he was going to not be challenged.  Game on, sucka.  I dug my heels in and pulled as hard as I possibly could.  I made it as hard as I could, and used every pound of my overweight body to hold that finely tuned athlete back.  Then there was retribution, leading to respect.  HE COULD NOT FINISH.  He couldn't breathe, he was sweating like a hooker in church (thanks to my brother for that reference), he was dying.  I was elated.  It actually gave me some motivation to pull him as hard as I could, to show him that fat people are not all weak, junk food eating, unmotivated people.  He again worked his ass off, as did I, but it felt good.  AND, at the end of it all, between gasping breaths, he told me "good job".  THEN we had to pair up for another resistance activity and he automatically decided that the tall, fat girl COULD challenge him a bit.  The trainer said we make a good pair and he said "No shit".  So, lesson learned, don't mess with the fat people because you just never know when they will use every fat cell in their body to kick your muscular ass.  Bring it!  I realize that I'm appearing a bit arrogant right now, and I don't care.  It was one of the best moments at boot camp . . . ever.  I may not be the fastest, or the most coordinated, but I CAN contribute, and I WILL work as hard as anyone else. 

However, the humbling moments still outnumber the overly confident moments by a ton.  I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror today and seriously thought I looked like a man trying to dress like a woman.  It frightened me, really frightened me.  I don't buy the whole "big boned" bull shit.  So, it only means I can do one thing to loose the masculine build. . . and by now, you know well what that is. . . I'm going to keep on keepin' on. . . .

Fall

Fall.  I love the word.  Fall means pretty colors, cooler temperatures, and Halloween. I also love the word Fall when it directly describes the scale on Monday night.  Tonight was a good night on the scale, and I have no idea why.  3.4lbs for a grand total of 17.4 down.  God is good.  I did not make it to boot camp Friday night (I was partying with 20+ first grade girls for Halloween) and I was feeling extremely guilty.  I then ditched the walking/running group I joined on Saturday because my fat fanny was too lazy to get there.  I did not eat well.  . . so it can only be the grace of God that allowed me to lose this week.  I know that this will not continue without more awareness, dedication, and work from me. 

I was feeling good about my progress, and then. . .it. . .. happened.  I was downloading some pictures from the weekend and there was one picture that I was in.  Darn it.  It brought me back to reality VERY quickly.  I still saw a fat chic staring back.  Now, I know that there is less fat than before, but still fat.  My ass doesn't quite resemble a fireplace mantle, and my back doesn't have such a large water buffalo hump, BUT.  It's the buts (and butts) that get me every stinking time.  I don't think I will be in any more pictures for quite a bit. . .it is not a proud moment for me.  I would rather just go to boot camp, try to eat right, and stay away from cameras and mirrors.  It is much less stressful for me.

I DID sign up for a 5k race the end of November.  My mom is going to do it with me.  (Thanks, mom).  She always is able to kick my ass in these races, so the goal I have set for myself is to keep up with her.  She is a machine, great shape, great figure, great mom.  I just want to keep her pace. . . . I don't have a set time I'm aiming for, but I do recall how long it took me to do a 5K in September, and hopefully I will cut a few seconds off of that.  I did join a WFMH group on Saturday mornings that is walking/jogging/running.  I am NOT going to be a runner, but if I can develop and maintain a brisk pace with walking and jogging, that will be a success in my book.  It's nice, because again, there are no professional runners in the group.  We are all non athletes with extra pounds, trying to avoid an early death from obesity related complications.  :)

So, brisk walking, boot camp, healthier eating, and avoiding cameras all contribute to my plan to keep on keepin' on. . . .

BTW, registration for the next session of Wealth for My Health starts soon. . .any takers on joining me for a second session???