A month, a measure, and a burrito

One month down with WFMH.  Today was our first official measurement.  I spent my entire day trying to convince myself that a gain would be ok, and if I were not allowed to "go on" in the challenge toward the final 3, that was ok also.  I am, after all, in it to change my habits.  The organizer, Sara, knows me well already.  She knows that she does not say my weight, or any measurements out loud, and writes them down for me to view when I am ready.  She also looked over my food diary, and agreed that I am NOT eating enough.  Again,  total shock, because a person with my BMI hasn't been encouraged to eat more very often in life.  :)  SO, more careful documentation of what I eat, starting tomorrow (GAG) and maybe eating a bit more, healthy of course. 
The measurement.  I lost .6lb, so I did not make my 10lb goal.  BUMMER.  I lost 2" around my abdomen, and 1.something for body fat.  I'm not certain where that puts me in "the pack", but I am hopeful to remain in the chase a bit longer.  There were some great numbers that I heard people talking about.  Great success stories, however, I wonder if those people will be able to maintain those lifestyles after the competition is over?  Rationalization on my part.   Anyway, kudos to them, it sounds like everyone is working their butts off in one way or another.  Speaking of working butts off, I did a 5K for diabetes yesterday.  It was designed and marketed as a "non competitive" walk.  I didn't make it competitive, but I also walked as fast as I could with some jogging thrown in to make me feel like an athlete.  I'm sure the others doing the walk must have thought I was some kind of freak, after all, I am STILL FAT, and to see my jiggles wiggling down the trail must have been a sight. 
The burrito.  I did it.  On the way home I drove through and got one of the shrimp burritos that I have been craving for days.  It was beyond delicious.  Every spicy bite was a taste of what heaven must be like.  I drove home eating it in utter comfort.  Now, I know what you must be thinking. . .rewarding with food?  Not a good choice.  You are right, however, I like instant gratification and there was not a pedicure place open at 9pm to give me some gratification, so I went with the shrimp burrito option.  DE-LISH-US.  MMMM mmmmmm good.  I figure to eliminate it totally would be an exercise in futility because I would eventually eat shrimp burritos AND chips with guacamole. . .a REALLY bad choice.  I am satisfied, I am comfortable, and I am ready to keep on keepin' on. 

Until next time. . .

Food

Food.  Food is good, food is bad, food is something I dearly love.  Food is part of the reason I am in the predicament that I am in.  I love to cook, I love to bake, I love to eat.  Food has been on my mind a lot this week.  I have been STARVING from the time I wake up until the moment I go to bed.  I am so hungry for a seafood burrito from my favorite Mexican joint, I don't know what to do.  However, I still have not written down a single thing that I ate this week.  I DETEST keeping a food journal. . .not because of what I eat, but because I do not want to take the time to write down what I ate, along with all of the nutritional information.  This is probably going to be the one part of WFMH that I struggle with.  The entire goal of this challenge is to develop healthy habits that are life long. . . keeping a food journal is NOT something I have any desire to make life long.  I'm certain that my low numbers on the scale is directly proportional to my documenting my food in my head.  I seem to forget all of the BLT's I consume.  (BLT= bite, lick, and taste)  I know if I did journal on paper, the dietitian could probably be of some help. . . .
My trainer Heidi was talking to me about it tonight and I told her my frustration with low loss numbers as well as feeling like I am working my ass off and not having it reflected on the scale.  She encouraged me to journal, and asked me if it could be possible that I am not eating enough.  I about passed out.  When was the last time someone asked me if I wasn't eating ENOUGH?  That has NEVER been a problem for me.  N-E-V-E-R.  I never forget to eat, rarely am not thinking about food (did I mention the seafood burrito I am craving), or not contemplating what we are going to eat for our next meal.  The thought of not eating enough is about as crazy as the fact that this conversation with Heidi and I took place while we were JOGGING to the bridge.  Yes friends, I jogged to the bridge again.  I love it when Heidi pushes me to do that.  It makes me feel like I am not doing the bare minimum to get by.  I want to push myself to the absolute maximum. 

Monday night we get our first measurements taken since we have started.  I am already anxious (go figure) and trying to mentally prepare myself for the possibility that I will be eliminated.  This will not alter my ability to continue, just removes the possibility of me being in the top three.  Even though I said I wasn't in it for the money, getting eliminated the first week does suck.  It's like being picked last for the teams because no one really wants you, but there isn't anyone else to choose from. 

So, I am going to exercise  Saturday and Sunday, make good food choices, and hand the rest over to God.  I highly doubt I will be journaling either. . .I'm just sayin'.  So, keep on keepin' on, and dreaming of the burrito. . . .

Until next time . . .

One, Two, Three

Well, at least the moment of truth is over for this week.  I was again having immense anxiety prior to getting on the scale.  I made the mistake of letting myself get on the scale at home and so I think know that exacerbated the anxiety.  I am not certain of what I thought would be an acceptable weight loss, but I am certain that I wanted A LOSS.  I can honestly say that I did not eat poorly last week and I exercised every darn day, except Friday.  Although, I did dance SO much at the concert, so that should count for something.  I was hoping for big numbers.  However, I did not write down any of my food and that is a definite bad thing.  That is my goal for the new week. . . journal, journal, journal.  I am also thinking about having some metabolic testing done with the dietitian to get an accurate feel for what my bodies metabolism is (or isn't) in relationship to the calories I need to lose weight.  I had a long conversation with a dietitian at a different Hy-Vee over the weekend and she was very helpful and offered some great suggestions.  I have also promised myself that I will not get caught up in the competition, but rather focus on lifestyle changes that will continue long beyond WFMH.  However, tonight at the meeting/weigh in, I heard other competitors talking about their work outs, diet, and weight loss and IMMEDIATELY started strategizing on what I could do to kick it up a notch. . . or two.  I am committed to boot camp twice weekly AND exercising at home on non boot camp days. 

So, what was the grand total for today?  Keep in mind that this was for TWO weeks. . and the number was. . .. exactly 3 damn pounds.  3 FREAKING pounds.  Pathetic for two weeks, especially two weeks of not eating much and exercising a hell of a lot more than my body is used to.  However, I am much more happy with 3 off rather than 3 on!  My grand total is just under 10 pounds, and I WILL hit ten pounds by next week.  We also get measured and the first group is eliminated, although they are not using the term eliminated, "too negative", but rather "those moving on".  It doesn't matter though, no matter how much anxiety I have, it still is what it is and I will stick with it no matter what happens on the scale or with the tape measure. 

Thanks for reading.  If you are a spiritual person, I would appreciate you throwing up a few prayers for me to stay strong, stay focused, and become more positive in my journey to health and fitness.  Keep on keepin' on.  . . until next time.

Motivation and Inspiration

Thank you to those of you that read this. . . I didn't actually think anyone besides my mom was reading. . .and she has to, she's my mom.  However, I have learned that there are a few more people tuning in.  I'm humbled, and also motivated by your encouraging words and support.  I'm also motivated by the accountability I feel to stick with this b/c of the "public" approach I have taken.  The last thing I want to do is to type an entry titled "failure, quitter, loser"; OK, maybe "loser" wouldn't be so bad, if it was in reference to the scale, and NOT my quitting. Speaking of the scale, I think we get weighed tomorrow night, and next Monday (27th) we get measured.  I am already having anxiety about not only weighing tomorrow night, but also getting measured.  What will I do if I gain, or don't lose inches?  I do NOT want to be the first eliminated.  I shouldn't be in the first elimination group. . . I have enough to lose that I should be able to show enough progress.  I did walk Saturday and today, but no "boot camp" type activity, and that is bad.  Bad because when I do go to boot camp this week, it will again kick my a$$, and, boot camp is what burns some serious calories. I seriously could make myself certifiably crazy if I thought about this all of the time, so I try to not dwell on what I am eating and doing for exercise.  I hope that this exercise is starting to become habit because on the days I don't do something, I feel bad (physically and mentally)!    I just want to start seeing and feeling some progress.  I still have the water buffalo hump on the top of my back, and I still have multiple chins. . . I took a picture of Brady and I at the Trace and Toby concert Friday night (btw, AWESOME, AWESOME concert), but deleted it immediately b/c it just made me ill to see my thick neck and chins.  I was watching football on Saturday and when they showed  the small pictures of the starting offense and defence, I seriously thought my neck was thicker than some of those boys.  UGH.  :)

Inspiration.  I am inspired by my WFMH team.  Inspired that they are working as hard, if not harder, than  I am and keep coming back for more.  They want health and fitness, just as bad as I do.  I am inspired by my cousin, Meg, who joined a boot camp and aerobics class this week.  She has some of the same struggles that I do, and while we have commiserated for a very long time about it, this is now our new topic of frequent conversation.  Game on, Meg.  WE can and will do this. 

So, until I have the courage to confess what happens on the scale tomorrow night, I will keep on keepin' on. . . until next time.

Screw You, Kate

Did you see the cover of the new People magazine?  It's our favorite fame whore, Kate Gosselin, showing off her "new body".  Words can't explain how I feel about her.  I can't stand her on so many different levels.  One big level is that I am flat out jealous of her body.  I am also jealous of the 3 chicks at boot camp tonight.  Toned, tight, and terribly fit.  Then there was me, fat, flabby, and forever short of breath.  We worked our butts off (or so it seemed) and it felt good.  Tonight was probably the hardest time I've had getting there, but again it felt so good to have gone and be done.  I can't go tomorrow night, Brady and I are going to Omaha for a concert for our anniversary.  He wants to go out to eat, which is fine, but doesn't hold the same level of excitement that it did 3 weeks ago.  I know I should eat to live, not live to eat, but the thought of going somewhere without kids, remotely nice and ordering a salad just sucks.  We get weighed on Monday, so I don't want to potentially gain because of my self pity.  Salads are nice. . . when someone else is eating them.

I am still motivated, but frustrated at the same time.  I am SO impatient and want to see some immediate results.  Not only in my clothes and the way they fit, but the endurance I have at boot camp.  It still seems as if I have no upper body or abdominal strength.  I'm fairly certain that my body resembles the Arch in St. Louis when I attempt to do push ups, with my ass being the top of the arch.  I am still doing the "modified" exercises that the others are doing the "real thing", all while carrying on a conversation.  I think I know how it feels to be the "special" student in the class.  I didn't even make it to the bridge tonight.

The thought of weighing on Monday already has me in a twit.  What if I gain?  I will be pissed.  All of this hard work for no loss is going to tip me over the edge.  I plan to work like a dog this weekend, my trainers gave me a workout to do at home on non boot camp days.  So if you see the Arch in my driveway, it isn't passing through, it is just me trying to do my push ups. 

The journey continues one squat, one lunge, one push up, one mountain climber (PAINFUL), one super man (Impossible), one butt kick, one high knee,  one jog at a time. . .

Until next time. . . .

Rain Rain go away

Come again when it isn't the amazing chase challenge day!  I was very excited for our first WFMH challenge tonight and Mother Nature put a big NO on those plans.  I did manage to get in a brief walk in between storms, but quit early due to the lightening.  There were tons of puddles and I hate to get struck by lightening just yet.  I think BK would still have to buy an oversize casket.  :)  When I got home tonight, the kids and I did some exercises, and that Miss KK has some strength.  S however is more like me. . .he broke out in a sweat just talking about the exercising. 
The bike ride was pathetic.  We biked up and down our street a few times (despite my desire for no neighbors to see me) and that was it.  It was late, and B's bike needed some maintenance.  We have a very slight incline in front of our house, NOT even close to a hill, and OMG my legs were burning.  K asked me what the problem was, and while I did tell her my legs hurt, I blamed it more so on my bike. . .
I'm most likely going to boot camp Wednesday or Thursday night, or both.  We are going to Omaha for the evening on Friday, so no boot camp then.  I'm excited for the concert, but do kind of hate to miss boot camp with my team, it's as if I am letting them down.  Could I be developing a habit?  I do feel SO much better on the days that I do something.  I am still having some OCD about food though.  Long story. . . I'll be chatting with the WFMY dietitian about it.
I keep hoping that one of these days I will put on my clothes and they will actually fit correctly, or maybe be a bit big, but no such luck yet.  I'm still rockin' the muffin top and have a very disproportionate profile.
Keep on keepin on. . . until next time.

Saturday

Woo Hoo, the Huskers won.  Boo Hoo, this Husker fan kind of lost.  Lost control with my food choices.  Where do I start?  The Runza at the game, the 1/2 a box of popcorn, the piece of pizza for dinner (YES, I FINALLY got pizza) or the chips and cheese with my BFF neighbor?  Definitely a personal foul worthy of a 15 yard penalty, let's just hope it isn't 15 pounds.  As I was stuffing the final chip into my mouth, I had flashbacks to my success at the bridge and knew I had to stop.  NOW.    I tried to justify my setback by going for a 2.7 mile walk.  (How do I know it was 2.7 miles?  I drove the route, hoping for a 5-10 number to show up on my odometer. ) 

I'm not going to dwell on it.  I can't deny that every stinking bite was DE-LIC-IOUS.  However, I must admit that I do feel miserable.  It could be the massive amount of water I have drank this evening,  in an attempt to flush out the weeks supply of sodium I consumed in a few short hours.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Sunday.  I will go to church and  have a deep conversation with the big trainer in heaven, ask for forgiveness and for the strength to keep on keepin' on.  I have also promised K that we can go for a "family" bike ride tomorrow.  I am a bit nervous.  I haven't ridden my bike in a LONG time, and am a bit fearful that I won't be able to balance and ride.  We do have some unused training wheels in the garage, but I don't think they were made for my bike.  I also have made it clear that we will be riding on a very flat, flat surface.  No biking around the neighborhood for this mama.  Too many hills, and I refuse to have to walk my fat self and my bike within the visual range of my neighbors.  I'm also slightly concerned that it will appear as if my butt has eaten the seat of my bike due to the significant "muffin top" of the butt while on a bike.  Sorry, too much information.

Thanks again for reading, mom.  :)  Until next time. . . . .

The Bridge

Friday.  Boot Camp.  I was in a foul mood when I went to boot camp tonight.  Pissed.  I wanted a piece of pizza and I wanted it B-A-D.  There is really no reason why I can't have a PIECE of pizza, but I can't stop and just one.  I was pissed because I have let myself get to the point where I look like I do.  To say I went into boot camp with an attitude was an understatement.

Boot camp started out as usual.  To put things in perspective the "walkers" go to the "street" when we do running/jogging and the "joggers" go to the bridge, which is about 300 yards farther.  The first time tonight, I went to the street in a combo of jogging and walking.  I still had the attitude, but found myself asking when the hell I planned to try the bridge.  I asked my trainer how far it was, and she is the one who explained that it was about 300 yards difference, and mostly "mental".  OK, game on.  We continued with our workout, and I kept thinking about the bridge. 

And then it happened.  Heidi (trainer) said "walkers to the street" and "joggers to the bridge".  I thought about it for a minute and then headed to the bridge. . . jogging.  Heidi jogged with me, and I did have to walk a couple of times, but I totally jogged more than I walked.  My team was AWESOME, cheering me home, encouraging me and celebrating with me when I made it back.  JOGGING. . . from the BRIDGE.  It was totally a milestone moment.  I now have crossed over to the "bridge crowd" and as often as I can I am going to the bridge.   I will still need the street occasionally, but I will NOT walk. . I will JOG as much as I can.  The rest of the workout was hard.  Damn hard.  I sweat more than I ever have, and it felt wonderful. 

When I got home, I had an English muffin (and some leftover fries) and didn't even give pizza a second thought.  So, I guess the bridge trumped the attitude AND the pizza.  I am encouraged.  I won't be able to go to boot camp next Friday (Toby and Trace in Omaha-yes!), and instead of just taking the night off, I am already planning on either Thursday night or Friday morning.  Thanks to Heidi for pushing me and encouraging me.  Thanks to team Body Innovations for cheering me on also.

So, thanks for reading mom.  Until later. . . . .

Strong Language. . . Read with caution

No news  is good news, right?  I don't have much to journal about today.  I went to boot camp again tonight, and purchased a package, which means I have invested money and I have to get my money's worth.  I am committed to going to BC on Wednesday and Friday. . . if my schedule allowed I would like to go more, but BK is already sucking it up and not complaining when I am gone two nights a week.  I feel very selfish for doing this sometimes, but I know from MUCH previous experience that I can not do this on my own. . .so, for the next 14 weeks I guess I will be selfish.  Hopefully with a new lifestyle I will be easier to live with. 

I almost lost it tonight at Boot Camp.  Some little BITCH (excuse my language, but that's how I feel) was looking at the WFMH bulletin board and said (and I quote) "Is that those weirdos from that health challenge".  I proceeded to look at her and let her know that we are NOT weird. . . fat yes, but NOT weird.  She tried to back track and apologize, but she can never talk her way out of that.  I hope that someday she has children and is not only blessed with wonderful, healthy children, but also a metabolism that is non existent AND an ass as big as the love she has for her kids.  THEN I hope that someone refers to her as "weird".  This was really my first face to face experience with discrimination because of my weight and it PISSED ME OFF.  I guess the only good thing is that I was able to RUN farther than ever after this, adrenaline I guess.  I could barely even look at her though without feeling so much anger, and ultimately sadness that she is so shallow and clueless.  Forgive, I know, but I can't right now.

So, carry on.  Keep on keepin' on, move more, eat less, and every other positive thinking cliche' that I can think of.  Until later. . . . .

Weigh Day

Weigh Day #1, and as always, I was having an internal anxiety attack.  I was wishing I wouldn't have eaten this or that, or drank so much water today, blah, blah, blah.  When I got on the scale, I closed my eyes and said a prayer to Jesus.  Not so much a prayer to lose weight ( I pray for that almost hourly) but rather to not have a meltdown if I didn't lose, or worse yet GAINED.  Now, I know, I shouldn't worry about the number, but I am paying for this and a damn well better at least loose a few pounds.  Especially since I have cut back to nearly no carbs and only 2 diet cokes a day.  When I went back to my seat to look at my "numbers", my heart was racing so quickly and my breathing was just as if I had completed back to back boot camps.  OK, when I finally had the courage to look, I had lost just under 6 pounds.  Yes friends, I said LOST.  Amen, hallelujah, praise Jesus.  Now, I know that there will not be this kind of loss every week. . .wouldn't that be awesome if I did, but it was total motivation to keep on keepin' on.  I must say that the English muffin and peanut butter made out of only peanuts-NOTHING ELSE tasted like a big piece of heaven washed down with a diet coke, which is the nectar of the Gods to me. 

So tomorrow is a new day in my new life.  I am planning to walk while my daughter dances, boot camp Wednesday and Friday, and then something on the other days.  I did a 5K this past weekend, and while I did not run it (maybe 100 yards) I finished and felt as if I pushed myself the entire time.  I would like to have done better with my time, but I am doing another 5K in a few weeks, and hopefully I can cut off a few seconds. 

Keep on keepin' on to health and fitness.  Until next time. . .

Boot Camp #2

Today was boot camp #2.  To say I was apprehensive is like asking if the state of Nebraska is excited for the game tomorrow.  HELL YEAH I was apprehensive.  However, working out with my WFMH group was AWESOME.  I felt like I could push myself more and not look like a fish trying to flop itself back into the ocean from the beach.  I still sweat like a pig, and had to stop periodically, but I LOVED IT.  It felt good.  I didn't have the urge to cry, nor did I have the burning desire to puke.  I am going to go back Wednesday night with the kick my ass crew, but that's OK, it will only force me to work hard and try to improve.  Someday maybe I will the kick my ass crew. . . ok I'm getting goofy, I just hope to be healthy and fit.  (and maybe a little k-m-a)

Lianna (trainer) was so right when she said I would be more sore today than I was yesterday.  Walking was a challenge and I seriously considered standing to pee just so I wouldn't have to force myself up and down off of the toilet.  (Too much information?)  However, risking peeing down my leg, I fought through the pain and took it like a woman!  It has to get easier, or I'm just going to get better at holding it. 

The hard part is the food.  I am SO afraid I am going to eat something wrong, too much of something, etc.  This has always been my problem in the past when I've "watched my weight".  I get such an extreme case of anxiety before stepping on the scale, that I darn near pass out.  Monday night we have to weigh, and I keep telling myself that it is only  a number, and feeling better and being more active is more important.  Well. . .let's put that in perspective.  I could also say that my checking account balance ( or lack thereof) is also "only a number" and that buying things on sale and only things we need is more important.  Whatever, it is a number that matters, and SO is my weight.  Let's just pray that my weight will go down and my balance in the checking account will go up! 

I'm headed home for Labor Day.  I'm already signed up for a 5K on Sunday (walk of course), and I have to do something on Saturday and Monday, after all, that "number" gets recorded on Monday.  As much as I say that being competitive and winning doesn't matter, deep down, I want to be competitive, I want to do well, and darn right, I want to win. 

Thanks for reading (if anyone is reading) and until next time. . . . .

Boot Camp

Boot Camp #1 was last night.  It was nearly Boot Camp #1 and only due to the fact that I have NEVER felt so close to death in my entire life.  It was a workout like I have only imagined and feared.  To put things in perspective, I have birthed two children, one without drugs, and would gladly endure that again rather than feel what I felt last night.  I have never wanted to cry during exercise, nor had to bite my lip to prevent the tears from coming. . . until last night.  Don't get me wrong, the people were supportive (OK, two of them were supportive), but the rigorous, non stop one hour of cardio and strength training was more than my body has even considered in twenty plus years.  I did things (attempted to do things) that I have seen on The Biggest Loser and wondered how those people endured that.  I was humiliated by my weakness and overall pathetic physical condition.  I was humiliated to be attempting to do a majority of this work outside and people on the Mo Pac trail going by and most likely wondering how long it would be until 911 had to be called.  It was THAT ugly.    I was encouraged by the 7 others that were in my class and able to carry on a conversation WHILE doing this workout.  My team coach, Deb, was in my class and could sense my situation.  She was so encouraging, and supportive.  Had she not been there, I don't know if I could or would go back.  My trainer, Lianna also was a gem, encouraging me and showing me modifications of the exercises to do, since it was quite obvious that I would not be able to maintain any level of participation with the 7 Olympians that were in my class.  She even emailed me last night with some more encouragement and suggestions for what to do on days that I don't attend boot camp.

SO, will I go back?  The old Robin would have said "hell, no" and headed to the chips.  Me, on my quest to be healthy and physically fit, WILL be going back tomorrow night, and next Wednesday and Friday, and on and on.  I WILL also be doing something on my off days.  This is going to become habit, just like NOT exercising has been a habit for so long.  (TOO long)  Will I drive home with my head out the window, wanting to puke?  Probably so, one boot camp isn't going to whip me into shape.  Do I feel muscles in places I didn't even know HAD muscles?  Yep, but I truly feel it is a sign of progress, a sign of change, a sign of health and physical fitness.  At least today I'm laughing at how I must have looked out there.  A tall, overweight, middle aged mama, trying to compete with these toned, young, competitive, never had to worry about being fat a day in their life girls.  I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the door of a building when I was doing side lunges around the parking lot. . . let's just say that any time there was a mirror or window in the view after that. . . I closed my eyes.  I felt like an ad for the Jell-O commercials "See it wiggle, see it jiggle".

Game on, I can do this, I WILL do this, and I will not be a living representation of Jell-O forever.  Bring it on boot camp, bring it on.

Until later. . . . .