Funkity Funk

I'm in a funk. A freakin' funkity funk. I am not sure how I got here, or how to get out, I just know I am here. It really hit me last night at boot camp. We we jogging with medicine balls that we were supposed to hold above our heads for the jog. Everyone did a great job at complying, except for me. I jogged, and I held the medicine ball. However, not for one damn step did I hold it above my head, but rather held it at my chest the entire fricking time. I didn't even try. I kept thinking of how disappointed I was in myself the entire time, but did I raise the ball even for 2 or 3 steps? Hell no. I was still dead last when running back and forth to the bridge, and felt as if I was going to die during all of the exercises. I am not ready to throw in the towel and go back to my obese way of living, but I am also no happy to have not lost any weight since December and still be working out on a regular basis. I know a lot of it is my diet. I have about as much will power with that as I did carrying the medicine ball above my head. It is my own fault, but I am sick of it. I am mad that I went for a jog this week and had to walk a few times just trying to do 2 miles. . . . did I NOT just jog an entire 3 miles? Back pedaling, damn it. So, when I think about not carrying the ball, not losing weight, not eating right, and not feeling like I have made any progress in the past 8 months, I realize where the freaking funkity funk comes from. I mentioned it to my trainer and she said that she thinks I am stronger than I think and asked if it was all mental. It probably is mental. . . mental illness! So, I know to get out of this freaking funkity funk I should keep on keepin' on. . .we'll see.

42

I have never been one to have a "favorite" number. I don't have time for it. I think it is dumb, it is a number for goodness sake. I can remember numbers fairly easily, phone numbers, addresses, dates, and of course, my WEIGHT. Again, this is a number that I don't care to remember, so I quit measuring it. I digress. . . In my last entry I wrote about signing up for a couple of 5K's and hoping I could shave off some time from previous 5K's and perhaps run/jog some of it. Two weeks ago my mom and I did a 5K together. My mom has ALWAYS kicked my ass when we do these races, including the past 4 half marathons that we have done together. She is a gunner, a competitor, a dig deep and work you ass off kind of chic. I wish I were more like her in this regard. Going into the race, I had three goals:

1. to lower my time


2. jog more than walk


3. keep up with mom

It was a crappy weather day, cool, snowing and cloudy. I was not nervous for this 5K like I have been for others. I attributed it to my attitude of "it is what it is" and the fact that I have done more consecutive exercise the past 8 months than in the past 25 years. I KNEW I wasn't out to set any major records and if I was dead last, then at least someone else wasn't! OK, so when we started, I told myself that I was going to run the first mile, even if it was at a handicapped snails pace, I was going to jog. When I got to the first mile sign, I told myself that it was ONLY a 1/2 mile to the turn around point and if I had already jogged 1 mile, I sure as hell could do another 1/2. It just kept on for me, and when I got to the turn around, I again dug deep and told myself that I only had another 1/2 mile to go and I could officially say I jogged 2 miles. Well, you can see where this is headed, when I got to the 2 mile point, there was NO FREAKING way I wasn't running the last 1.2 miles. There were more miles behind me than in front of me. . . SO, I turned up the volume on my tunes and dug deep. I miscalculated where the finish was and sped it up too soon, so I did have to walk a TINY, TINY bit, but in the end, I ran probably 3 of the 3.2 miles. I finished just SLIGHTLY ahead of my mom, I jogged MOST of it, and (drum roll please. . . .) I dropped almost 4 minutes off of my last time. I finished this race in 42:42. One minute and one second for every year I've been alive. . . not bad. Not that I'm going to start thinking that 42 is my lucky number, I still think that is bullshit, but I will be able to remember my time! :) I have gone out a couple of times since and done some jogging, and while I can do the first mile without feeling like I need to die, subsequent miles don't come as easy. I keep telling myself that I can do it and listening to my music. It sounds nutty but when I am out there jogging and I feel like I am going to die, inevitably certain songs will come on my iPod and I know that it is divine intervention giving me the push that I need to not walk. Yesterday, it was a song that I put on a slide show that I made for my Grandma's funeral. I truly felt as if Granny was there with me pushing me harder and harder and helping me to keep on keepin' on.

I am nervous for a 5K that I am doing in 2 weeks. I am nervous because there will be a lot of people I know there. I am nervous because I have been eating like a hog. I am nervous because now that I have done a 5K without much walking, I am afraid I won't be able to do it again, or at least in under 42 minutes and 42 seconds for a 42 year old fatty. I am nervous because 3 weeks after that 5K is the half and I am nervous for that because it is 13 miles and I want to REALLY knock some time off years past. I am nervous because my knee hurts all of the time. So many nerves. . .

I am still working out with Roxanne on Tuesdays. She is amazing and last week it was clear that she has crossed over to the other side of fitness. It made me realize that if I don't want to waste her time, Heidi's time, or my time, I need to kick it up a notch. I don't want to hold them back and be the slug. . . She is good motivation for me, and a good friend to have reconnected with.

I have not had a Diet Coke (or any caffeinated soda) since Lent started. I think about Diet Coke all of the time, and to hear someone open a chilled can is almost more than I can handle. I just want a sip. I must say that my water consumption has significantly grown. I am not sure if I sleep better, but perhaps. I know that when Lent is over, I will have a diet coke, but WILL NOT go back to drinking the ridiculous amount I was. I have no desire for that.

So, jogging, training, and drinking. . .water, are what I have been up to lately. I am hoping to get on the wagon and eat better to start losing weight again and in order to do that I will have to keep on keepin' on. . .