2011. The first year in as long as I can remember that I didn't start the New Year out with the resolution to lose weight and start exercising. Both are still very much resolutions, but I had a jump on the new year and had already started. So, while it was a comfort to already be "on the wagon", I have found myself under the wagon a few times and having a hard time getting out from under it. I have maintained my exercise routine but the eating battle continues. I can't stand it. I think about food from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed, and sometimes when I wake up at night. I think about what I would like to eat, what I would like to cook, what is healthy, what is not, what I have eaten so far in a day, what I wish I wouldn't have eaten, and so on. It is one of the many things that consume me. EVERY night I find myself praying for the strength to make better choices the next day and sometimes I do and sometimes the wagon runs over me. . . again. I did so well during WFMH because I felt accountable and I felt competitive and I knew that every single Monday night I would have to get on the scale and answer for my actions. Now, I don't have that accountability and it is catching up to me. I think I have gained 3-5 pounds and that stresses me out. I have looked online at Spark People and have considered rejoining WW. I am also beating myself up for not rejoining WFMH. While I hated the Monday night meetings, I loved the group workouts and I loved the camaraderie. Don't look back. I still enjoy boot camp, but I wish I was making more progress. I tell myself that I am going to work as hard as I possibly can for that hour to maximize my participation, but I am still a weaker link. SO, what does this mean? As much as I would like to think I am not competitive, I guess I really am. The competition with myself is not enough. I need to compete with a team. I am going to have to learn to be satisfied with myself as competition because I cannot spend the rest of my life paying for competition to maintain control with my eating. I hope that I can spend the rest of my life exercising and being active. I registered for the 1/2 marathon in hopes of decreasing my time, but probably not going to be able to run, but I pray that with routine exercise I will have more endurance and stamina.
I have been having some rough days for many reasons. However, my brother put things in great perspective for me today on his Facebook and reminded me that no matter what kind of bad place we think we are in, there is ALWAYS someone else who is in a worse place and we (I) need to suck it up and be grateful for my situation. He is right, I have so much to be grateful for and have been truly blessed. SO, I can continue to have stress and anxiety about my situation, or I can keep on keepin' on. . . .
