Funkity Funk

I'm in a funk. A freakin' funkity funk. I am not sure how I got here, or how to get out, I just know I am here. It really hit me last night at boot camp. We we jogging with medicine balls that we were supposed to hold above our heads for the jog. Everyone did a great job at complying, except for me. I jogged, and I held the medicine ball. However, not for one damn step did I hold it above my head, but rather held it at my chest the entire fricking time. I didn't even try. I kept thinking of how disappointed I was in myself the entire time, but did I raise the ball even for 2 or 3 steps? Hell no. I was still dead last when running back and forth to the bridge, and felt as if I was going to die during all of the exercises. I am not ready to throw in the towel and go back to my obese way of living, but I am also no happy to have not lost any weight since December and still be working out on a regular basis. I know a lot of it is my diet. I have about as much will power with that as I did carrying the medicine ball above my head. It is my own fault, but I am sick of it. I am mad that I went for a jog this week and had to walk a few times just trying to do 2 miles. . . . did I NOT just jog an entire 3 miles? Back pedaling, damn it. So, when I think about not carrying the ball, not losing weight, not eating right, and not feeling like I have made any progress in the past 8 months, I realize where the freaking funkity funk comes from. I mentioned it to my trainer and she said that she thinks I am stronger than I think and asked if it was all mental. It probably is mental. . . mental illness! So, I know to get out of this freaking funkity funk I should keep on keepin' on. . .we'll see.